Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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