its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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