i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
