how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
