I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize