You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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