This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
