I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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