don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I checked into jail on foursquare
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
