It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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