so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
