dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I love you. Go after that dick
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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