I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
