Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
