His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize