I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
