her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
