I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
