then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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