Buhtt sex?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Drunk is a universal language darling
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
