Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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