To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm passing your future prison.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
