My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
