I just threw up on my dentist
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Farmville is her only friend.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
