Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
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