we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
