was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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