The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
