so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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