I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I think your dad took our porno
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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