His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
