I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
