my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He uses pillows to masturbate.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
