My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
