Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Did I show you my penis last night?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I am one with the molecules
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
