Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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