Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
