it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
