dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Randomize