Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
