Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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