i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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