i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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