His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
