just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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