you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
