I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
