No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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