Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
