Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
