He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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