True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
