I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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