did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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