i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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