When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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