y did u give ur computer a hand job?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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